Second of an involved set of hearts.
I experienced the same predicament in my own life a few months ago. I felt out of place because there wasn’t anywhere that I could position myself. And then I found out what it meant to ‘stand in the gap’. But first I had to figure out if who I was and what I was doing was right.
Chris, as well as some of my other friends, have told me that it is very strange that I can completely ignore the vile things of a person, and be as if I never knew, and even proceed with a relationship. I’m not sure where it came from but, as I was talking about with Nicola last night, many times in a conversation I will be absolutely on the receiving end. That is to say: I have absolutely no response. I don’t feel in either direction about what they just told me, my mind makes no judgments, and it’s hard to even come up with a response other than “Ok.”
This makes for some very awkward situations during conversations, as you could imagine. But somehow I feel that it’s necessary for some specific reason.
When it comes to specific subjects, I can finally talk, and be on the sending end of a conversation. Life, the universe, God, the eternal; This is where conversation begins and I would hope would show my conversationalist that I’m not devoid of character, just agreeable to be led. It may be strange that I don’t have an opinion on a large number of subjects, but that’s part of be able and open to learn, and my mind does not explore the world in the areas that a another’s might. I have a terrible time of seeing the obvious, but when it comes to deep I have experience.
And as for your friendly relations, it’s important to know what’s important. Why are they your best friend - is it because they naturally help cover your mistakes; is it because they hear the words you’re saying and interpret them the exact way you meant; or is it because you never need to speak a frivolous word because of trust and possibility of the unknown? Chris and I do not talk about the things that go on during school. We speak when it is unique to our relationship and creates something never before experienced. We do not need to tell each other to keep a secret, because everything we say could not be understood by others: it’s unique to his character. We don’t describe the people we meet individually or the movies we see apart, we trust that the experience will be had and only the recommendation is needed. Our relationship always moves forward because of these. The world is not a part of our friendship.
So what’s important? It’s trust and it’s variety and it’s hope for the unknown. It’s very hard to be disappointed when you learn to expect nothing. I don’t know every specific of his daily routine, if he even has one. I don’t know the names of his friends except for the ones that I’ve met, and that we therefore share. He can be as great as my imagination could wonder. It’s very similar to Poe?’s theory that the monster is as scary as your mind can imagine. The things of this world compare to be very little when it comes to life after death. The personality remains.
I have wondered too about that elasticity of my own personality, and wondering if I was indeed changing myself to suit the relationship. And to an extent I think I was. But now, it’s very different; it’s not about me; I need to communicate in a way that will let you understand what I’m talking about. If I had a permanent personality, it would be very disheartening because I am unable to ‘give in’. I would only break. You can’t have a dialog when only one person is talking. You can’t have a relationship when only one person is giving; it becomes parasitic.
If there is something specific that I want to get across, it is never words. If there is a feeling I want to convey, it’s never the same as it was for me. And that’s part of a sensitive personality is that you know what it takes to let the other understand what you mean. If I wanted the same exact message to be conveyed to anyone else, I would use very different words. I want you to get it, and so I need to use a medium that you understand; to meet you where you’re at.
This is why I could not be a preacher at a church of hundreds. This is why I do not send ‘mass messages’. Music is always changing and it is always different due to the audience. This is a relationship where the sender changes because of the receiver. It’s about keeping the experience alive, instead of capturing it in a photograph.
I have been having a [question] lately, and it’s about worth. What am I good at, and what do I do the best out of anyone? I find often that when I am confronted by someone who is clearly more skilled or farther advanced, I will compensate my own ego by saying that I am also skilled at another thing, which this person is not. But who determines worth, anyway? I hope it’s not us (society). Why do I find joy in being spread out and knowledgeable in all areas? Why do I battle ignorance so vehemently? I want to know it, if it exists to be known: I can’t deny it a position in my life when I haven’t tried it. “I’d never be able to do that, so I won’t even try.” I don’t know something about myself if I’ve never experienced it. God knows, though.
Maybe I will end up as a preacher to hundreds, to show that it’s not my will that will be carried out for this life, but His. Maybe He’ll bend the world enough to show me that it is indeed possible to give the experience to many people with the same words. Maybe He’ll bend me enough to show me that the world is not all that it looks like it would be.
