First of an involved set of hearts.
For some reason I feel the need to be very serious some times because there are very few other ways to accomplish things in life worthwhile. I don’t mind it anymore, though there can be too much.
I am hated for my uncertainty, I presume (not to be specific, but in a many-personed and soft sense). I do not stand firmly on the grounds of what I believe in when being blown by the wind of contrary [doctrine], because of my apparent need for appeasement; it didn’t stop Hitler. I am struck hard by the least of all insults, and I am insensitive to others because I notice but I do not care enough to act appropriately. I cannot hold a relationship because the other gets very mad at me for something I feel I haven’t done, or gets frustrated with my lack of doing. I cannot hold a feeling because it fades away as the light gets bright, and flares again when the light is dim. The light is my surrounding, by which I mean to say people.
I wonder if I will remain alone in my heart because of the necessity of all parts of a human being; some are not that one human itself. I am unsure of the future and so I never plan farther than I can see, which is growing nearer every month that I live, until I die. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right because there is never a straight answer because the world is gray because we have made it that way. I don’t know if I am squandering my time or gaining it. I don’t know if I am who I say I am so therefore I say nothing of myself, and therefore am never right. I am also never wrong. I know nothing of myself because I am me and do not have a mirror that can see anything but the outside. “Why” is the real question.
Why do I perform some relationships? Why do I carry on with the reality of others? Who decides who is important and who is not? Who says I cannot change the world? Who has said that some things are simply not important, and why is he not alive like me anymore? If all things are important, then there is much more to think about than clothes and appearance and performance and sound and smells and food and money and money and money. If any of these followed me after death, they would be worth something. If they are worth nothing, are they important?
And green is a color of life but we have put it on ourselves to represent all the material in the earth and it is now death. And white is not pure anymore, but rather the appearance of abstinence and the appearance of goodness (which is different from sinlessness) and it also represents nothing because it is white that we paint on to make our ugly human pictures. And black is said to contain something because we do not know what black is, and therefore it is interesting because humans have an imagination. Darkness has nothing to be learned from, only to be deceived by.
And if I do not know what is right, then I do not know what light looks like because in reality white light is every color working together to make something beautiful that you can see through. And it is very hard to discover something in white light, but there is always something amazing even in what you can’t see at first. Or maybe just what you can’t see with your human eyes.
My uncertainty is this: I do not want to hurt you because you are not myself and I don’t know what it feels like. I guess I am telling you nothing at all because everyone wants to hurt someone because then the other person never has to know, but it is better that they know because then you know that they are worth keeping because they stick to you and don’t let you go away, because you are making a bad decision. I don’t like to restrain myself but I am unable to tell something [important] at the wrong time because we experience levels of depth that fluctuate and open levels of our heart depending on our mind. I don’t like to restrain myself because the other person never gets to know what went on at that moment (which will never come again). I don’t like to restrain myself because then I am lying.
I have now [successfully] expressed my indefinite amount of grayness to you because I need to tell you something and this gray is lot of feeling but it is very undefined by the world. It hurts me to tell you this so it is ok (because I know how it feels).
I am incoherent and I only understand myself but sometimes the listener will just catch me and cradle me until I cry out my eyes and everything is [as it should be].
